My elderly mother moved in with my older sister in 2016. My older sister did not live in the area. She lived out of town for years. My mother and I were always very close. When my father died in 2000, my family and I took care of my mom's needs with some help from my brothers, who lived in the area. I took my mom to all of her appointments, we had dinner at my house at least once a week if not more, went to grandchildren's events and family members were able to freely visit her at her home. For 16 years, I was her major support. When my sister moved back to the area, she asked my mother to move in with she and her wife. My mother accepted. At first things were ok. There did not seem to be a problem visiting my mom and I was able to still take my mom for some appointments, but not as many as my sister because she was retired and I worked full-time. As time progressed, it appeared that my sister's wife had bipolar disorder. I empathize with anyone dealing with mental health issues; however, this should not affect relationships with my mom. It started to become more difficult to see my mother. In 2010, my eldest brother died and he had been in charge of my mom's finances which he had no problem sharing information with this siblings. My mom was still aware of her own finances so things were pretty much handled by her. When my sister returned in 2016, a year later she took my mom to sign papers making her the POA and she took over her finances. My sister would not share anything about my mom's finances. My sister and her wife began causing issues with the family. After my brother died, my sister took my mom to the attorney and had my brother's kids removed from the will. (No one was told of this before this action was taken because the rest of the family would have differed. My sister did it because she had a falling out with our nephew, my deceased brother's son. She and her wife even recorded a song on my nephew's wife's phone, singing how happy they were that they were out of the family.) This caused a lot of pain for the family and the family began to divide. My sister and her wife would not allow my nephew in their home. Then it began to include my nieces and sister-in-law. Then my sister would allow them to visit my mom sporadically. Then my sister's wife began saying that she did not want me in her home. That I had to make appointments to see my mom when in the beginning when my mom was moving in, I was told that I would be able to see my mom any time. My mom was a negative woman so I know that they were feeling stress as caretakers. Things began to get worse. If I had a suggestion or idea, or was the voice for my mom because my mom was scared of my sister, I was denied access to see my mom. It was like I was grounded for awhile. I was told that I don't want to see your face around here for two weeks. Things like that began happening. We tried to sit down to talk, but my sister always controlled every conversation. My mom was very aware of what was going on and at one point spoke up for me. In August of 2020, my mother asked me to ask my sister if my brother, my husband and I could attend a meeting at the house to discuss her money...a financial advisor was coming to their home. I did as my mom asked and my sister blew her top. She denied any of us to come to the house. She and her wife were also having marriage difficulties at the same time which my cousins were told about because my sister and her wife would go to them to talk. My sister's wife had given her until September 1st to have my mother out or she was going to leave her. My mother was kicked out of their home and given 2 days to move out. She was brought to our home. My brother picked her up. Blair Senior Services was called and they were told that my brother and I removed my mother from their home against her will. This was not true. My sister had a mover drop off all of our mother's things to our home. My sister said she was removing herself from being POA and Executrix of mom's will. So my brother and I took these things over. We discussed options with my mom. Our home was not set up for a 90-year old woman with a walker so we would have to renovate if the decision was to stay at our home. The three options given were:
1. Go to a home because with all the stress in the family, this may be the best option for all family members to visit. The downside was that COVID was raging and we were not sure if this would be the best option.
2. Stay with us in a small bedroom, but realize you will be sharing a bathroom with 5 people.
3. My husband suggested giving up our garage and his home office to create a mother-in-law suite, but we would need financial support from her to make this happen. We would pay for half.
My mom chose option 3. We had meetings with an attorney and discussed this as well as fair market value.
We got a contractor, but that did not work out due to COVID and his schedule, so we actually had to do the renovations ourselves. This then took longer.

In the meantime, my sister did not contact my mom for over 4 months. My mom began ruminating about being kicked out. She would play the scene over and over in her mind. After 4 months of doing this, her memory was affected. In fact, she even forgot who I was and what my name was. This would happen in spurts. I contacted her doctor and the doctor suggested that she experienced a traumatic event and she seemed to be experiencing a post traumatic stress event. She tried several different medications which did not work for her. Zoloft made her anxious and Remeron made her even more forgetful. My mom was taken for cognitive testing. I kept my siblings abreast of everything that was happening. The testing results were that my mother had moderate to severe Alzheimer's. My mother was very upset that I took her for cognitive testing and at this point my sister began calling my mom. My sister had nothing nice to say about her siblings to my mom. My brother took over her finances and I took over the medical. We shared the responsibility. When Blair Senior Services was called on us again, the agency found nothing wrong, but told us that we should put mom' money into a trust. We had been checking into this so we did this. My sister, over the phone, convinced mom that Tim and I were cheating her out of money and that she shouldn't be living here. She told my mom that I was trying to have her deemed incapacitated when I was only trying to help her with her memory issues. 10 months later, my mom's attitude was very negative toward us. This was the time; however, when the cognitive testing was done. I got my mom on medicine for anxiety that helped her and medicine for Alzheimer's. She had just been prescribed it when my sister convinced her that I was stealing money from her. I would only use my mom's debit card because we were told this was an easy way to keep track of her expenditures for the 5-year look back. My mom was convinced that I stole from her and lied to her. She called my sister to come get her. My sister said that she was only taking mom for a few days and then she would bring her back. My mom never came back and this has been over two years that things have been made difficult for immediate family and extended family to see my mom.
My sister has had my mom change the POA and Will during that same week. It took less than 3 days for this to occur and it was done in secret. This alerted TD Ameritrade where my brother and husband had placed the money. Since my husband is an advisor, and my brother's oldest son had died, they discussed with mom managing the money together. My brother would share what he wanted and my husband would make the trades. My mom thought this was a good idea. Anyway, when my sister had everything changed in secret, TD Ameritrade put a freeze on the money. My sister blamed my husband for doing this and this began the poisoning of my mother against us. My mother convinced my mom that Trusts were bad and that none of her other family members had her best interests at heart.

Since then, anyone who has tried to speak to my sister about her unreasonableness had been cut off from my mom. She has not cut my brother and I out yet, but she had made it very uncomfortable and unsafe for us to visit my mom.
Undue influence is rampant. My sister has verbally told my brother and I that if we are on their property we will be arrested. She has issued No Trespassing to my husband and two cousins. She has issued Cease and Desist letters to my cousins and has blocked many family from being able to contact my mom. She has control of the phone and some family members are not even allowed to send mail. She has done this all by using my mom and taking her to an attorney to have these drawn up. My mom said that my sister scares her, but she just says what she is told to say so that there aren't any problems. My mom's memory is much better on her medication and her anxiety medication has totally changed her.

My family knows that we are not welcome there. My sister tells a narrative that paints a terrible picture of all other family members when this couldn't be further from the truth.

I would like to share that Blair Senior Services is not equipped to handle undue influence. They don't have the training or the staff to make this happen so all this isolation is allowed to happen. In fact, Blair Senior Services has been rude to us at times when we are just seeking support. We have just wanted to call to talk to someone, not necessarily make a report, but they just keep pressing for a report. Make a report or get off the phone. I have been disheartened by their lack of empathy.

Also, Blair Senior Services directed us to get an attorney because this was out of their scope. We did so and then we were treated poorly. I do not understand why my sister was not given the same message. Blair Senior Services than demanded the financial records that we had already turned into my mom's attorney. My sister wants the control of my mom's money and she will most likely not follow my mom's wishes. She was trying to get information that was already turned in to attorneys and then Blair Senior Services treated my family poorly for following their advice. It just doesn't make sense.

Also, the court system is not helpful either because if the elderly person cannot be declared incapacitated, then you cannot go for guardianship. This also makes no sense any way. When a person is in their golden years, why would anyone want to put them through this drama? They would have to testify and be tested cognitively by doctors on both sides and then the case could last a year and a half to two years. Who wants to put an elderly person through this? And...why does a person have to be incapacitated? A person's mind can be unduly influenced and still be competent...I feel this needs to change.

Doctors are also not held accountable for taking an active role in helping the elder...it is as if they turn a blind eye.

I wish that people understood the damage that psychological abuse can do.
I wish that attorneys, doctors and social workers were held to a higher standard when recognizing signs of undue influence. (California has the CUIST, which at least helps these key players understand and be held accountable for removing older adults from these situations.)
I wish that attorneys would not take cases that they shouldn't. My sister got my mom a different attorney and this attorney should have never taken the case. If he had training in undue influence and if attorneys were held to a higher standard concerning this, then it wouldn't make it easy for controlling family members to take actions such as these.
I wish that family members who have mental illness would be held accountable for actions taken.
I wish that Aging Agencies had the power to mandate family counseling/mediation and give families the tools for conflict resolution.
I wish that one controlling person in a family, that has destroyed an entire family unit, would be held accountable.
I wish that past patterns of suing and causing problems at work and in relationships would be considered.
I wish that the red flags of undue influence were a part of training for social workers and that they would be held to a higher standard where this is concerned.
I wish that there was some mediation in place that is out of the hands of the POA, especially when the POA is destructive.
I wish that the court system had other recourses besides guardianship. Many families cannot even afford the minimum $20,000 that this could cost.
I wish there was a place for dysfunctional families in the system. The family member who has never learned how to play fairly in the sandbox, ends up on top because it is easy to manipulate the Aging Agencies and the Court System in their favor. For example, if my mother lives with my sister, it becomes easy to deny access to people because my mom doesn't own the property.
That Aging Agencies take accountability for their recommendations. Why hasn't Blair Senior Services told my sister that they recommended a Trust...Is this because they could be sued? Are Aging Agencies allowed to give advice like this?

My hopes for the future...
That legislation is passed that helps key players detect undue influence.
That perpetrators are held accountable for the break up of families and having family members have to grieve for an elderly parent who is still alive. Ambiguous grief is a terrible experience.
That mental illness is considered when a person has a controlling personality and is unreasonable. And that this family member gets the help that he or she needs. All family members deserve to have an authentic relationship with parents.
That POAs are changed to have checks and balances. One person should not be able to control everything. My brother and I, according to my sister, are not worthy to know about my mom's health.
Because of these actions, my mother has lost access to other grandchildren and extended family...well family that my sister does not want her to see anyway.
This is something that can be prevented with the proper training, communication, and interviewing of all family members, not just one.
I really hope that things change for the future. My mom is 93 and she will most likely die before anything can be done, but if my voice can help to promote change, I hope that even one voice can matter.

I would like to add that my sister has a habit of suing people. I have contacted state representatives and state senators about this topic. I have heard from Senator Bob Casey and his office suggested that I write an OpEd for the newspaper. I have a rough draft, but do not want to get sued. My husband and I got an attorney to even be able to see my mom. We are not rich, so I do have a concern about being sued. If I could be guaranteed or protected in some way from this, I would be willing to use my name and tell my story further. Undue influence is an insidious form of mental abuse that needs to stop. I have shed a lot of tears missing my mom. Two years later I am changing. I have built up a wall to protect myself. My sister has strong characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. I cannot diagnose her, but I can tell you that the text messages, emails and phone calls that I receive have been nothing but derogatory and demeaning. It is not safe to be around her. She would not hesitate to make up some type of story that I harmed my mom and this is not out of her realm. She has been known to fudge data on reports about her own teaching/administerial evaluations. She is savvy and her goal is to win at all costs without any empathy for the people who are trying to rationalize with her. It has been tough growing up with her. She holds jealousy and animosity in her heart for her family. I feel that she is a dangerous person in this way, but if you can help me with the legalities of sharing my name, which I have an attorney looking at my editorial to try to ensure that I cannot be sued, I would be more reassured.

I am actually requesting a call back. I feel that there is so much information and that I am rambling because there is finally someone asking us to share. Thank you for this!